1. God created you. You are not an accident.
2. God has a plan for you. You have a purpose in life.
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do (Ephesians 2:1).
When I was young, I was always searching for the unknown; you could say I was always thirsty, for something.
I would take long walks in the country just to feel connected to nature, in hopes that someone would hear me. Someone would pluck me out of the sky. I even yelled for alien's to take me, hilarious huh.
You probably think I'm absolutely nuts by now, but just hear me out it gets better!
Well as I got older, about 10 or 11, I started getting more interested in God, Who is this God?? Where is he, what is he.
We had a catholic high school with statues of Mary and Jesus. I would go up to them and talk to them and kiss them, I felt so much curiosity for them, not knowing why. I would pray and sleep with the cross. During this time I would watch Horror shows on the weekend, this is where things started to get strange!
I began having night terrors, the nightmares would send me screaming in the corner.
My sister's friends started to think I was possessed. All I would, they had no idea what to do. If anyone touched me I would scream louder, all I remember is being very very scared.
Also at the same time this was happening we had some Christian neighbours, whom Dad says I was spending allot of time with. I also had a girlfriend who was a Christian and they would pray before they ate, they had pictures of Jesus on the walls. I never understood why they liked to be a Christian. But I was under a battle that I was to little to understand, but now it's so clear to me.
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Things started to get bad; I felt the pressures of being a teenager and curiosity about drugs and alcohol. Not knowing the truth! The enemy blinded my mind to it.
My parents decided to move to a small town called Foam Lake.
I was devastated, I had to leave my boyfriend, who was introducing me to drugs and alcohol. I had to leave my friends. What A TRADGETY!!
So I was 13 by this time and decided the only way is to end it all and go to Heaven. So one night, my girlfriend and I took 30 ASPRIN, AND DECIDED TO DIE,
And be with God.
you see she was kind enough to go with me, cause I didn't want to do it alone.
by the time I got home I got real sick and was brave enough to tell mom. We both ended up in the hospital The doctors said I had a fifty-fifty chance of survival, I don't remember much.
I pulled through after a few days. The doctor wanted me to go to a shrink, so I did, and told him that I wanted to meet God and go to heaven, that's why I did it. He wanted me to go back(can you imagine!!ha)but I didn't.
So we moved to Foam Lake. I started to meet allot of friends. I still seemed to have this void, I felt so empty. I started to experiment with drugs and Alcohol, my parents I'm sure were at a loss. I had many sexual relationships by the time I was 14; all I wanted was to do was fill the void. We drank so much I wore a pin saying" The worlds Greatest Drinker!" I did LSD, Pot, and Mushrooms, anything that would take me to another level of reality. I just remember feeling used and very alone in my heart.
Then the day came, I found out what the consequences were. I was Pregnant!!
My life stopped at that moment, what do I do.
So I was sixteen, about to have a baby.
My only alternative was to tell my Mom. It was a struggle though, so I did more drugs more alcohol, not even considering the little child inside, because I believed a lie, I believed that this wasn't a child until it was born.
So there I was in the hospital having an Abortion not knowing what the consequences for my actions were, not even knowing what an Abortion meant. But the after effects soon came.
I soon found a steady boyfriend; we had lots of fun Smoken and drinken, just having a ball- I can't seem to remember much of it though. During this time, I conceived another helpless life, missing my Birth control pills so many times. Well he seemed to not care what happened, so I thought, well, I've done this before, why can't I do it again. By the time I decided it would be to inconvenient to have a child, I was into my third month. I was desperate, so we went to the US.
It was a little clinic I was awake for the whole thing, I saw them suck the life out of me, tearing the baby out of me piece by piece- But I was in denial of what was really happening, and no one bothered to educate me on this either. Let me tell you, there is so much guilt that comes from murdering your own Babies, it's almost unbearable. A lot of women will say they are relieved. But only for a time and then the shame comes and there is a an emptiness inside. That's why many women have replacement pregnancy's. I got pregnant within a year after my second abortion.. I decided to keep this baby, trying to cover my sins of destroying my other children.
I then got married and divorced six months. I moved several times. My girlfriends and I had one intention -to shock people, use Men and party.
I then met my next serious boyfriend we were normal for a while until he decided to move to BC and I guess I felt abandoned again. At this time I started to get heavy into the New Age movement, I WAS SO SPITITUAL!
I got involved with taro cards and alot of rituals, conquering up any spirit that will listen. Let me explain about the New Age movement it's EMPTY so empty, you search and search for perfection in self-fulfilment to be the 'great guru', and find perfection in self, let me tell you, we're not perfect and never will be no matter how much you try in this world. This is a trap, it's a snare, it will never satisfy you, just bring you deeper into confusion.
But all I wanted was to be was someone. Feeling hungry for spiritual things again, I got into some New age healing, Reiki, shamanism , laying hands on people focusing my energy without even touching the person. ..among others. I know that none of it give's Glory to God, But some do believe it's of God. They even pray to Christ. but they never mention Jesus. And you and the receiver believe it works, and you do feel an energy because the enemy gives you the power?He's there to bring you deeper into believing that you have supernatural power. There are two sides to the spiritual world and this is the wrong side. This is wrong because I know the real supernatural power comes from the Holy spirit, when you know the truth.
So I moved to Regina, and the Bar seen and some pretty scary individuals, But to me they were cool. These people new how to have a good time.
This is the time of my life that affected me the most. Cocaine became my drug of choice, I was so whacked out- I'm not proud of any of this.
During my time in Regina, My old boyfriend came back for a visit, Wow what a visit- We made up for lost time, and he went back to BC. Two months later I found I was pregnant again. At this time I was having trouble in school and with my Son, who was mostly in daycare. I was devastated again, so I did the only thing that I could see I could do, I crawled up on the table again, like it was some sort of birth control.
This was the worst one of them all, I wasn't awake but the pain afterwards was unbearable. I was alone and scared to drive back to Regina alone, so I stayed at my girlfriends. I'm not sure why I was in so much pain, it was as if I'd been torn inside out.
Then the guilt came again, but I new how to relieve that feeling, I had mastered it - Drink, Party, drugs.
Shortly after this I ended up meeting a Drug dealer, to me he was so cool, smooth and confident. He introduced me to some of his friends and clients, I even met some of the Greek mafia, it's funny how you feel so important when you either meet people that are famously bad or famously good.
He would keep his drugs at my house saying that his was too hot to keep them. He also used my car for drug deals or collecting outstanding debts. One of which, I was in the car when his friend who just got out of jail was collecting threatening someone with a gun..I had no Idea until after we got home and he told me what was really going on. But when I look back, It seems like such a dark place in my life
It seemed so exciting, everything was on the edge, just how I liked it
Until my dealer boyfriend decided to start needling haroin, I was smart enough to not go this far, I knew this road, and I wasn't going to go there. I remember that night, going into his apartment. My girlfriend and I walked in and there was tinfoil on the windows. And everyone was doing some sort of drug, like they were in there own world. I asked where My boyfriend was?they said in the bedroom?So I went in and he had a needle stuck in his arm..There was another younger girl there and another guy, I just walked out. So I sat down with his best friend, who is dead now, and did some lines. The feeling in the room was so strange like another world. The girl must have finished doing her stuff and came out. We started to talk and she was explaining about her numerous knife wounds and others situations she was into. You know she was probably under 20. So I talked with my friend and we left.
We broke up after that . He was in and out of rehab, finally his lifestyle caught up with him and he died from an overdose, in his early forties.
I then met my little girl's father, He seemed very normal, He did have a problem with drinking, but he quit as soon as he found out I was pregnant, of course I had no such problem?.. ?
I settled down for a few years and decided to explore my spirituality at a deeper level.
I cried out to the spirit world, nobody heard me.
I started to get close to an ex-boyfriends mom, who was a full blown New Ager, she said she could talk to Angels, they would even come to her in the night and massage her neck, she got so involved that she believed that nothing could hurt her, even smoking, this is how the enemy works, he's there to deceive you, he wants you to trust his lie's. She finally died from an anerism and we found out she did have cancer. I don't know if she made it to heaven.
But before she died, The person I was with, just didn't cut it for me, He was a great Dad, but I just wasn't satisfied. We would fight over everything, so we decided to just be friends, and we still are to this day, thank God.
I had moved to Moose Jaw at this time, and My sister was trying at this time to be match maker, she kept telling me about this friend of her's that would be great for me, well we met and sparks flew again, There was only one problem he was Holy Roller and I was a New Ager. This didn't bother me too much because I new that I was much more spiritual than him, he would never convert me!
Well, we partied together, but He talked about the bible whenever he had the chance; you see he had a change several years ago and went through some hard trials, which led him to excessive drinking again, but I believe God had a plan, otherwise how would have we met?
So one night we were pretty heavy into the booze,
and he was bugging me so much about this Jesus and eternity and this prayer, that I thought Ok!!
just to get him off my back, I'll say it, I'll say it!! So I said it. so
I bought a bible and began to read it
The next few weeks things seemed pretty normal, so I thought it was. But the time came for him to go overseas again, this was always hard for me, it was 5 weeks without him. So I asked him before he went, of a scripture in the bible that he was telling me about?.
When he was gone there seemed to be a curiosity about this Bible, I couldn't put it down. Then one night I thought about that scripture and that scripture, but I couldn't remember were it was. So I opened the Bible up, just to look for it and behold? their it was in Corinthians, amazing!!
Then shortly after this I found out that my girlfriends friend was a born again believer too, she gave me some tapes to listen to.
So there I sat for 7 hours listening to this testimony from some guy in Saskatoon that was set free from the need to have drugs and alcohol as a social lubracant, and at the end of these tapes he lead me to Christ! I cried so hard that day, it was the beginning of a new life and I knew it. You see when you find the truth, you know it's the truth, when it free's you from so many pains.
Well I ended up moving on a farm by Elfros ..
And I decided to go to the church that this man who was on this tape went to, if there was more, then I was in, I wanted it all of Jesus.
It turned out revival had been happening in this church for 2 years now. I was in shock, I had brought my little girl with my niece.
All these years of searching for some universal force and here it was, in a church! Who would imagine. There was so much freedom, everyone had so much Joy. People were laying on the floor, being healed as Gods presence touched them ...
The time came when they started to ask people to come up for prayer if they wanted. I was too chicken so I sent my 3-year-old daughter and my niece. My daughter had reached the end of the line, and this man started to pray for her. I thought if my 3 year old daughter goes down then I know that this isn't put on. So he laid his hands on her head and started to pray. She went down on the floor trembling.. As soon and she went down I felt this energy go through me like a whirlwind..nobody was touching me ! My legs began to tremble and I looked around hoping nobody would notice? I didn't understand what was happening to me.. My daughter got up and when she returned I asked her what happened to her and she said that God healed her.
God healed me that day and filled me with the holy spirit, as soon as I believed, as soon as I surrendered. My life was changed. This is where my walk began with the Lord; I was a new creation, old things past away. I felt like a different person. God replaced the emptiness that I had with his joy. I was Totally Cleansed, I couldn't stop smiling. Jesus made me whole; there was no void, no emptiness, no more searching.
Funny I became a new creation 2 weeks before I got married. And at our pre wedding party His cousin came up to Dave and I and he new how Jesus had changed my life.. I told him I couldn' stop smiling. He looked at Dave and said..Oh things are going to change now! I didn't understand why he said that?Now I do, Because God changes lives. He had his hand on our lives.
But this was just the beginning. There are a few things that I needed to deal with one step at a time. We had many fights about his excessive drinking. You see, I never gave him up to God I would just threaten.. Give him ultimatums. That's not how the Lord works, is it .. But he did quit after experiencing God in a supernatural way. I didn't have the power to change his heart. The holy spirit has to do that.. We all have choices to make. But I wanted him to do my will. God had to teach me how to love unconditionally..No matter what kind of mood he's in.
But I kept reading my bible faithfully. The Lord dealt with my deep wounds of my abortions and past experiences and began to give me words of songs and melody's in my heart. I would search the scriptures and I started singing and playing guitar, which helped me to grow and heal. l was like an ice berg. On the surface you could only see the tip but below the there was much more healing to be done. I had to renounce the occult that I had explored as well as the sexual relationships I was connected too. He wanted to heal my wounded heart. One day I watched Denise Mountenay on the miracle channel. As she gave her testimony on abortion. My deep wounds and remorse and guilt surfaced. I cried out to God for forgiveness for destroying my children. I knew God had a purpose for my life and my children. I new I was forgiven but I needed forgive myself. I emailed my testimony to Denise and I sent her my song for my three unborn children. She then invited me to the UN. I am now on the Board of Canada Silent No more. Reaching out to Women and Men hurt by the pain of abortion. And exposing the lies that we believed by sharing our testimony.
Right now he's dealing with my inability to trust. No matter what I'm dealing with I know God will connect me with people or lead me to where I need to be in order to set me free
The only thing that I can do is move forward by his word and ask for forgiveness and let God lead me. God convicts me everyday. Sometime's I listen sometime's he has to get my attention through a trial. Because we aren't perfect when we become a Christian. And believe me I thought something was wrong with me because I wasn't this perfect creature, whom I thought some Christians were. The bible says that we are being conformed to the image of Christ. How,By the renewing of our mind through his word. The Blood of Jesus washes away guilt, Praise God! But I still had memories and history and human vulnerability. These are things we have to give up to the Lord.
I always felt like someone was judging me. My favourite book of the bible became Ephesians which talks about how we are a new creation and how he changes our lives and who we are in Christ! We are continually being conformed into the Image of Christ, by the renewing of our mind through his word. Sometimes I'm a good Christian sometimes not so good.. I have fallen at times but the Lord always picks me up again. I know that I am a child of God and if Jesus can change my heart of stone then he can set anyone free. The bible says the same spirit that raised Jesus from the dead is in me. We are saved by Grace through faith and that not of ourselves, it is a gift from God.
Ephesians 1:4 Just as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love.
. We are adopted.he made us accepted by God. We are one body one spirit and one truth. It took me a long time to get this into my spirit. We shouldn't be closet Christians, we need to share our gifts.
We all have a gift to share.. Ephesians 4: 7-12
he has a purpose a plan for our lives. For years I let opportunities to share pass me by because of my lack of faith.. and fear of man. But God Is faithful and if we just step out in faith he will direct our path! Today I am walking through any door God has for me, knowing that he is with me and if I open my mouth he will fill it..
Ephesians 2: 10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.
Heb 13: 15, 16
Through Jesus, therefore let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise - the fruit of lips that confess his name and do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices god is pleased.
If you are someone who believes that they need a change in your life.
And want to have peace that surpasses understanding. Or feels alone
Inside and broken and tired of what your life has become. Or maybe you are someone who has been torn with pain from an abortion.. there is help out there..
I would
Like to guide you in a simple prayer that I said that totally changed my
Life, and if he can change mine he can change yours, forever.
Father, forgive me. I have sinned against you. I believe that Jesus died
on the cross and rose from the dead to give me a new life and
a new beginning. I accept you Lord Jesus, as my personal savoir, come into my
heart and guide me from this day forward. Holy Spirit, fill me with your spirit
Cleanse me from all unrighteousness, and guide me now and forever more.
In Jesus name I pray, Amen. If you said this prayer, it is important that you
Tell someone, This is how God writes his word on your heart,through
Confession. Every time you speak God's word he writes it on your heart.
This will change your life, believe me, you are a new creation, old things
Have passed away. You are born again! Praise God.__John 3:16____________________
"That God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son
that whosoever believth in him shall not die but have everlasting life
life." John 3:16
